5 Tips To Re-Explore Your Sexual Identity For Late Identified Neurodivergent Adults.
By: Jessica Pizzo, previously published
For many late realized neurodivergent individuals, like myself, understanding your neurotype can be pivotal in exploring other aspects of identity - like sexuality and gender identity. Understanding AuDHD felt like finding the answer to a question I had been pondering my entire life. While this newfound understanding of my neurotype felt affirming, it also felt overwhelming. What could have been different, had I known this about myself sooner, and received different types of support? The unmasking journey has been full of grief, and grit.
For many neurodivergent individuals, sexuality is a core aspect of identity. The intersectionality between neurodivergence, sexual identity, and gender identity, displayed through current research, states that neurodivergent individuals are more likely to identify as queer or gender diverse. Some neurodivergent individuals report higher rates of asexuality, while others may report feeling stigmatized as “hypersexual” due to a high sex drive.
Tips to Support Re-Exploring Your Sexual Identity As A Late Realized Neurodivergent Individual -
1) Re-explore your body and interests - With a new understanding of your brain, it is time to explore a new understanding of your body and sexual interests as well. Give yourself permission to touch your body, if it is within your comfort and values. Identify what feels good, and what does not. What parts of your body enjoy gentle touch, or a firmer grip? Erotic audio can be a fun way to explore new interests privately as well. And, sex toys and lubrication are supportive additions.
2) Build sexual communication skills - Consent is key in any sexual interaction, including the one we have with ourselves. You can work on building your sexual communication skills and confidence by practicing self-consent. For example, I am giving myself permission to touch my arm right now. If you have a partner(s) consider introducing the stoplight method into the bedroom. Green means everything is great. Yellow means you are getting close to your limits. And red means a full hard stop immediately. Create an aftercare plan with your partner for sensory and emotional connection after intimacy. If you are a neurodivergent individual, you may have heightened sensitivities in sexual interactions. Feeling empowered in your communication skills, and prepared with the stoplight method, can support you in feeling present in sexual interactions.
3) Find your sensory preferences - As a neurodivergent individual, you have a higher likelihood of experiencing sensory overwhelm in the bedroom. However, with intentionality, you can turn your sexual experiences into the sensory experience of your preference. Some things to consider when exploring your sensory preferences are - texture of sheets and pillows, lighting, music, and pressure. Do you enjoy the lights on so you can see everything, or total darkness? Perhaps you prefer complete silence in the room, to hear the sounds of your breathing. Others may enjoy soft, gentle music playing. Might I suggest some Sade.
4) Prioritize your sexual wellness through self-love rituals - As a late identified neurodivergent individual, you may be rebuilding your self-esteem through this new lens of understanding your identity. Self-love is vital to supporting your growth on this journey. Loving yourself is an intentional act that can be done through small acts daily. This looks different for everyone. For me, this looks like engaging in somatic movement daily, and always making sure I have quick nutritious snacks available throughout the day. Some areas to consider exploring are nutrition and hydration, movement, expressing yourself creatively through the arts, and fashion as a means of expression.
5) Connect with community - The journey of later in life realization of neurodivergence is hard, but you are not alone. A neuroaffirming therapist can help. The BDSM and Kink community can also be a great way to connect with other queer, kinky, gender diverse individuals. If you don’t know where to start, social media can be a great starting point.
If you are a late identified neurodivergent individual, exploring your sexual identity can be an empowering way to build confidence and support your connection to your most authentic self.
-JP